My Story

I have always felt a little bit different than everybody. Not that it’s a bad thing. I like being different, don’t get me wrong, but I would like to explain to you about how I feel sometimes, so maybe you can better understand. This is hard for me to write about, but I’m going to do it anyway and have some courage and bravery. If you don’t like it, then so be it. I’d rather have people read my blog and like it than continue reading it if they don’t like it and laugh at it.

So, here it goes... Basically, I was on Pinterest awhile back, and I stumbled upon a video about something called “Selective Mutism”. I then looked it up more, and was kind of shocked. It seemingly described me almost completely. Not everything about it, but I believe I at least had a mild case of it throughout my childhood. I always thought I was just shy, but I could never overcome it. It seemed to control my life. I couldn’t find the words to speak at times. I remember as a child, in situations where I so badly wanted to talk, but couldn’t… it was as if it were impossible. I actually talked a lot when I was around those who I felt comfortable around. Here is a link that may help explain it better: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism. Also note that I believe I experienced this as a child.

I have overcome “Selective Mutism” for the most part. I’m still shy and I have some social anxiety from it, but I try my hardest to not let it control my life. I sometimes have to force myself to step outside my comfort zone and try to be as normal as possible. It’s hard sometimes, but I know I can do it. I do have trouble initiating conversations and holding a conversation, although it is easier for me to have conversations with those I’m most comfortable with, such as family and close friends. I seem to be better at having a conversation if the other person is doing most of the talking and makes it easier for me by the other person asking questions and stuff. I have noticed that it is very difficult for me to maintain eye contact with others, even those I feel comfortable talking to. I notice that I usually am looking in another direction, doing something else while I’m talking, sitting or standing beside the other person, or walking beside them… anything not to give eye contact. Even when I’m facing someone while I’m having a conversation, I notice I can’t give eye contact. It seems so easy to do, yet I try but then realize I can’t do it. Some other symptoms I experience are stiff and awkward movements, difficulty expressing feelings, even to family members, excessive shyness, fear of social embarrassment, and/or social isolation and withdrawal, tendency to worry more than most people of the same age, and desire for routine and dislike of changes. I’ve noticed that for a long time, I have always worried more than most people, and about anything and everything. It has since increased, and I have come to believe that I probably have an anxiety disorder. I occasionally have insomnia from time to time because of my anxiety. There are nights were I will be awake most of the night or even all night because of my anxiety. I feel like I’m “socially awkward” because it is so difficult for me to socialize and meet new people. I know I’m different, but I’m not going to let it control my life. I want to be able to embrace being different and focus on the positive rather than the negative.

I’ve always had a small group of friends. At my old school, it was only 2 or 3, but mainly one best friend that I told everything to and spent most of my time with. When I moved to my new school I made a few more friends, but it was hard at first. I had trouble making new friends, and experienced meeting people in the wrong crowd at one point but then I found my real friends. I lost contact with some along the way and some just didn’t feel to “click” very much. I ended up with 3 friends that I still am in contact with today and consider my friends. I have about 2 close friends from my new high school that stayed close friends with me after I graduated. Only one of them I actually talk to the most, and feel most comfortable being 100% me and telling absolutely everything to. She is like my best friend and knows pretty much everything about me. I met her during my senior year of High School and went to a program called 916 with her through school where we took a cooking class together; we also went to the same school. I’m sure if she is reading this, she knows who I’m talking about. Let me give a hint, her birthday is July 13th. She is like a sister to me and I consider her family. Also, my twin sister is a best friend to me. She means SO much to me, and we are very close. I tell her everything and I love her SO very much! She means so very much to me. I don’t know what I’d do without her! She truly is an amazing twin sister and friend!

I still struggle from time to time with social anxiety. It is difficult for me to meet new people and talk to people whom I don’t know well, but I am overcoming it more and more, although difficult, I force myself to step outside of my comfort zone and try to be more social. I struggle with feelings of fear of what they will think, and of being rejected. That made it difficult for me to make new friends among my peers. I sometimes feel like I want to join a conversation, but I’ve tried before and have been ignored, or I won’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m judged that I don’t talk enough, or that something is wrong with me, but I have so much to say and I want to. But it’s just hard for me and sometimes it’s hard for me to find the right words to say, and I feel socially awkward.

Some of the positive traits listed about this are creativity and a love for art or music, empathy and sensitivity to others' thoughts and feelings, and a strong sense of right and wrong. I feel like that describes me.

Throughout Elementary School, I have always felt different than others. In Kindergarten, I didn’t have any friends, and remember feeling sad that I was left out in class; all I wanted was to have a friend. My only friend was my twin sister, and I would talk at home but in class, I didn’t have any friends to talk to.

In 1st Grade, I had a best friend and when I was around her, I felt confident and free to be myself and talk a lot. I talked to most of my classmates and liked the attention.

In 2nd Grade I made a few more friends, as well as lost my best friend from 1st Grade. I now know that was for the better because to this day she has changed and isn’t who I would consider a true friend. I stayed friends with 3 of the friends I made in 2nd Grade as well as with my twin sister. I did everything with my twin, and always shared the majority of friends with her.

In 3rd Grade, I made a few new friends, but when a new girl came to my class, kids started rumors about me and pretty much ruined my “reputation”. I lost friends and was from then on judged. I then realized that I was different. It was harder for me to learn in class, and I realized I was shy and acted differently than everybody else. I was also made fun of for my looks, but tried my best to ignore it. I still had the same small group of friends throughout Elementary School, although one moved away, and one acted as if we weren’t friends anymore once we hit Middle School.

Throughout Middle School, I primarily had two friends who stuck with me through everything and who to this day are still friends with me for the most part. I had made a couple of new friends in Middle School, who I later found out were just “pretending” to be my friend. I thought they were my friend, they seemed nice to me and everything but because of what others thought of me, they didn’t want to be seen around me. Their reputation was more important than our friendship. I’m over it now, and I’ve learned from it that people aren’t always as they seem to be. I know people have made fun of me, whether behind my back or just laughing at me, it still hurt either way. It made me wonder what was so wrong with me that others felt the need to treat me so differently. I wondered why I was so different.

Through all of it, I have learned to not let it get to me when people treat me like I’m different and not normal — though it’s not always easy, to embrace my differences, and most of all to be thankful for the people I have in my life that love me for who I am, who don’t care if I’m different or not normal, but they love me just the way I am. I don’t care if I don’t have a ton of friends, I’m happy with the small amount that I do have; It is better to have a small amount of true friends than a large sum of fake friends. I am thankful for my family as well, because they understand me and love me for whom I am.

I realize there is nothing wrong with me, and I still wonder why I got made fun of in school and called ugly. But, all that is past now, and I’m letting it all go. I know that I’m beautiful just the way I am. Kids can be mean and bully others for reasons that aren’t true, or because of their own insecurities, but it should not be happening. It does happen, though… although it may not be fair, it happens. I do wish there were an end to bullying, though.

I see life through my own eyes, seeing beauty in the little things. Cherishing every relationship I have. I see people differently than most. I see them for who they are on the inside, for their personality, their inner beauty, their smile, and love. I don’t care about what’s on the outside. Each person matters. Every life is beautiful. Looks do not matter. The inside is what counts. Every person is the same in that we all have feelings; we all have love and compassion. We need to see the world through eyes like that, and see each person as a human being, as a life, and as someone who truly does matter. We need to put ourselves in others’ shoes; try to imagine their struggles and difficulties. Remember that everyone has their own struggles, even if we cannot see it. We need to love each person as our own. We are all family. We are all brothers and sisters in God’s eyes. We need to change our perspective and look at the world with love for all humanity.

So, now you know my story, my thoughts I was always afraid to share… but here they are. Despite my difficulties, I can get past parts of this, and I have and am overcoming this. I’ve found it is easier for me to type out things that are harder for me say in person. It would be almost impossible for me to be able to talk about this in person, which is why I wanted to write about it here in my blog. I hope it gives a perspective on who I am and how I feel. Thanks for reading this.